Dear Diary,

Total exoneration! “Beautiful William Barr” deserves the Congressional Medal of Freedom or at least a free lunch at KFC. I also told Barr he could keep the colored pens I gave him to redact the report. This Mueller thing was fake news and a failed coup. I won, suck on that Democrats!

Nobody disobeys my orders you can ask Rod Rosenstein.

The Russian hoax is over Don McGahn, such a loser! What kind of lawyer actually takes notes?

People don’t believe I have the energy of a 17-year-old, ask Melania. I’ve got more vigor than “Sleepy Joe.” That’s for sure.

No collusion, no obstruction, the Mueller report is total B.S.; They keep trying to take me down, but this is “Game of Thrones” baby and I aim to win!

Still got SDNY crawling up my ass, gotta get my homey Rudy G on them. Note to self, find out if Slovenia has an extradition treaty with the USA…

AOC and Warren itching to impeach but they forget that I have low friends in high places.

A lesser man would laugh at Joe Biden, but I am too presidential to stoop to that level. I know how it feels to be falsely accused, ask my pals, Bill Cosby, and Robert Kraft.

People keep on asking me about Julian Assange. Who? I don’t know the guy. I thought WikiLeaks was slang for the men’s restroom.

Lie, cheat, steal, but really I'm a nice guy. I have to wonder, why Nipsy Hustle gets all the love? After all, I didn’t get my parade down Pennsylvania Avenue.

Samuel L. Jackson needs to stop whining about me cheating at golf and focus on great movies like “Snakes on a Plane.” Still waiting on that sequel Sammy.

I really don’t know what all the fuss about, Rudy said it was fine to get help from Russia and we can always blame the Dems.

I wish Bill Maher would stop calling me “Fat Donny.” So mean! I told Theresa May I am coming to London in June and she started to cry. She so was overcome with joy. Hope the Queen comes up with better food this time. Would it kill her to make a McDonald’s run? Have a caravan to stop. Stay tuned!